I watch TikTok just like everyone else. I am overcome with emotions when my For You is full of beautiful women of all sizes. Am I alone when I feel a ting of jealousy because they love what they see in the mirror reflected back at them?
People always tell me I am beautiful and pretty. I don't see it. I rarely feel it. I have always felt as if it is my family's obligation to tell me. I feel my husband is required to smile and say "you look pretty Sweetie Pie." My friends shower me with the compliments, but I don't believe them. I know that sounds insulting but I can't acknowledge what they see, because my mind is already made up that I am not pretty.
I am overweight and my body fat isn't pretty like other peoples body fat. I shy from clothing, I have tons of casual wear that is sleeveless. I buy it, but somehow I talk myself into wearing something else because I don't want to be judged. I don't want people to see me as I see people that look like me. Struggling to get in and out of a car gracefully. Try to sit in the chair at table that has me looking at restaurant with my back against a wall so I don't have to show my body to the other patrons. I don't leave my house without makeup or without doing my hair. I have to make sure I have a decent and flattering outfit on to greet the world. Because somehow it has been engrained in me that being obese looks better when you are put together. It doesn't look like you don't completely NOT care about yourself. You know the saying, 'she's fat, but she looks pretty or nice."
A lot more of my self-esteem comes in to play since childhood. I know the reasons and I cannot shake it. It's my baggage. I don't know if I will ever let it. I know I am worthy of love and compliments, but at what point is it because it's the right thing to say to be nice? How much is true? What is real? How much is it because they have to be nice? I know this seems as if I am insulting my loved ones, and I don't mean to destroy their compliments, but this is how I am wired.
I am sorry for not ending this on a positive vibe. Not everything is always happy and light and bright and hopeful. Sometimes it is a day in my inner feelings and at times it isn't pretty. I am hopeful tomorrow will be a better day.
Teltschik Like It Is --- Amanda
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