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Help Me Love Me

Yesterday I made a video of myself, displaying my body, head to toe. I was alone in my backyard letting my dogs do their business. I was clothed. I stood with my arms wide open. I turned full circle. I showed my profile. I showed imperfections (clothed). Clothes don't hide everything. I stood there for about a minute showing all angles of my body. Once I was done, I went into the house and told my husband I needed to go to the bathroom. I stood in the bathroom alone and watched my video that last exactly 1.21 minutes. I watched myself on the screen as I set up the camera on the patio table and slowly backed away revealing my entire body. I instantly covered my mouth and cried. I don't like what I see. I never have. I am ashamed of how I look. I started a journey at the beginning of the year and I was making strides. I have managed to reverse all he progress in eight months. The scale indicates that I have lost weight. My body shape shows something else.


I have never been skinny. I have never just been called 'thick' (which ironically is now celebrated on social media and by all) I have always been fat. So seeing myself in the video was a complete shock. I start a journey with full intentions of seeing it through every time, but I end up giving up on myself when a challenge presents itself. I am trying hard to get out of my head and just fucking do this, for ME! I want to be proud of myself. I want to love myself. I want to no longer cringe and hide behind my friends in pictures. I don't want to hide behind a pet or prop to hide my body. I love the clothes I purchase that flatter my body, but I want to love the body that is in the clothes.


This journey is much more. This is about loving myself. I want to believe the compliments and not question anyone's motives in saying them to me. I am the dream. I want to love myself. I want to have faith in me. I need to be proud to be me. I need to stop listening to the voices of doubt and hate. Who gives a damn about what others may think.


I am crying. I am scared. But I am going to overcome this fear. I don't expect this to happen overnight and it may not happen in my lifetime. But I am going to start the steps. Be ready for crying, daily affirmations, anger, and laughter in my journey. My journey's are as follows:


1. Rid myself of Diabetes.

2. Figure out my path in this world.

3. Believe in myself.

4. Love myself.

5. Follow my purpose and my dreams.

6. Love the woman that I see in the mirror.


I pump myself up and believe I can do it. I need a group. I need a huddle. I need supporters. I alone got here. The poor decisions of yesterday got me here. I need the support to get me out of the state I am in. This transformation is not going to happen overnight and it will take much effort. I need the words of inspiration, hope, and love. Because the voices of doubt and hate need to be replaced.


Please offer up your encouragement. Tell me about your struggles. Let's grow together and conquer what ails us, beats us down and keeps us bound to the hurts and defeats. I don't want to be bound to what I have created. I want to grow and fulfill what I am meant to do in this world. How about you?


Teltschik Like It Is - Amanda




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