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In The Feelings

Updated: Jul 23, 2021

It has been a considerable amount of time for me to post a blog. I got lost in the day to day adulting. I find it hard to sit and focus on my feelings. Attention must be given to them, especially when they are mine. So much has happened in 2021. Good, bad and definitely sadness. I am trying to focus on the good in life. It is with great pride I can say I am happy. But at the same time, I am a sad individual. Most wouldn't know it. Social Media has a way of masking the truth. Please don't think I am fibbing on this or my social media pages. I am a happy individual, just complicated when I get into my thoughts.

There are days, when I cry driving to work and when I leave work. I miss certain people in my life and it can be overwhelming. I miss my friends from back home. Before I left my hometown these friends were my life support. I moved away and started a new life and I can count on my fingers how many times I have gone to visit them. I also can count the amount of times we have spoken on the phone together. But when we do get to together and or talk on the phone, we pick up where we left off and can talk for hours and hours. My friend Sarah, you are my rock and I love you dearly. I need to schedule a weekend of just us. It's difficult to get all my visits with family and friends together in a two day weekend. It's simply not enough time to catch up.

Being back in my hometown reminds me of those no longer there. The one's I love the most. My family is dwindling. The Great Aunts who had a hand in raising me no longer exist. Just their memories. My grandmother has been gone since 1999 and I can recall the pain of her loss like it was an hour ago. After she died, I found it difficult to be in my hometown. I felt lost. When the opportunity to advance in my career and support my personal life presented itself, I hit the ground running and didn't look back for an entire year. I ran away from home. It was painful to live and leave there. I was so homesick. I cried everyday, missing all I ever knew. With time and focus, I rearranged my life to enjoy and discover who I was supposed to be.

I have thrived for years and dealt with all the adult issues and heartaches. I find myself missing the old faces and looking back on all the memories and people who aided in me becoming Amanda. Today, I am just feeling sad. I miss the closeness of my family and my friends. This past year I have visited my hometown so many times I have lost count. Each time I leave I cry like it was the first time I drove away for the big city. It was June 18, 2006. My car was loaded up and I was ready to drive four hours in one direction never to look back. Forgetting all the good times and the heartbreak of the past 27 years.

I am just missing my people today. Not just today, but all the time. I miss having my network of friends, gatherings and just because driving around town to see what is going on. Call up your friends and family. Have those long "chismosa" talks. They are like those big hard hugs you need every once and while. They are needed.

I miss you Kingsville, and all that goes with you. To my friends and family, I miss us all being together. Family gatherings should be more often and not just for the weddings and the funerals. It should be because we are going to BBQ or make tamales together. This is my goal for the next half of this year. Just Because Gatherings. I challenge you to try it out. I promise you won't be disappointed. Please don't blame me if there are fights or arguments. Because that is not my fault. LOL

Teltschik Like It Is - Amanda

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