Today I was messaging my cousin. A dear cousin I do not get to see often, but we do keep in touch as much as possible. Today she told me she loved my transparency. This compliment made me think about how transparent I am not. The purpose of this blog was to keep me accountable and be honest with all things me.
I started thinking about why food is such an issue for me. I do know I like the flavors and comfort it brings to the table. I enjoy food. But I do realize food is used to comfort me and used to deal with problems. I can sit and make a long list of the times I turned to the tastes to make me feel better. I am going to correct that statement. I turned to food to aid in forgetting that I was sad, self-conscious, unloved, and alone. Whoa, the tears are falling.
Life is good now. I am loved and appreciated by my family and friends. I am happy. But the underlining truth is that I do have a relationship with food that is unhealthy. I know I am not alone. Though I am doing a lot less of the bad eating, I am still emotional over the past and my present hang-ups.
I need to be more productive in healing me. Not fixing because there is never a magic spell to make the past go away. But there are ways to heal and to move forward and wear our scars as badges of honor. My weight is my scar. I am going to wear it proudly, but a lot less of it from now on. The weight of my thoughts, my physical weight My emotional weight which is the heaviest on my heart and soul.
Folks this was a hard one to share, but transparency is key in healing. I love you O.E. Goodnight and Teltschik Like it Is - Amanda
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